Swindled

 I have no idea what it is, I love him...but I hate being around him when he eats.  I just want to smack him everytime he chews...

School starts tomorrow...feeling really prepared this year.  I hope I keep feeling that way, and that it all goes waaay better than I expect.

So much to do before Marc and I leave on Saturday...I still have to pack a ton of clothes...

Although I have determined that vacuum packers are the greatest invention since before sliced bread!  Seriously I fit, craft clothing, bedding, duvet, and regular clothes into the box that used to just hold the craft materials.  Went from 3 boxes to 1 1/2 boxes...amazing!

I pick up the Uhaul tomorrow, hopefully that goes well.

To Do List:

1) Student Line of Credit Confirm
2) Student Loans Submitted
3) Contact Uhaul about pick up time and location
4) Contact my university about my sudden "accidental" un-enrollment from my courses thanks to my university's bullshit registration program.
5) Finish Packing
6) Load Uhaul
7) Buy Ball for my hitch
8) Pull my portfolio stuff from office where I work
9) Clean up desk
10) Order books for thesis
11) Buy furniture.
12) Change Cell phone number
13) Phone Rogers to set up internet and cable
14) pretty sure there is more to do.....

Went to visit Marc this weekend, was in a bad mood on Friday..which resulted in one hell of a fight.  Both of us are a little worried about moving in together...and I know he is giving up a lot for it.

...That Friday though, I admitted something to Marc...and myself..and said something I thought I never would say.  "I wish my dad were still here, because things would be easier."

I really really do wish he was still here, a part of me is still missing without him, and I know a part of my mom is still missing without him.  I want her to be happy, and she was happy with him.

Alright, so the plan is for me to not buy new clothing for 1 year starting yesterday. 

I figure it will

a) help save me money for my trip to Europe.
b) help me along my path to enlightenment
c) help me become more resourceful with the clothing I have and the clothing I can modify.

I am going to allow thrifted and swapped clothing, but absolutely no clothes from new stores.  I will try to discourage people buying me clothing for Christmas.   It is definitely going to require me to do some sewing though, since my pants are all too big now, but oh well, no big deal.

To be honest I am really excited about it :)  I am going to cut out buying new shoes too, except for running shoes (my knees wont allow me to use old shoes...)  But absolutely no flats or high heels. 

My poor puppy was playing with the neighbours dog, and fell off their deck.  She yelped, so I called for her, and she came towards me but she was dragging her back feet.  :(  So I took her to the vet, but I wont hear back for a little bit on the xrays.  I hope shes ok, my mom is all worried about having to put her down, I would be so upset if we have to.  I think she may have just pinched a nerve and had muscle spasms, I really hope thats all it is.

:( I hope its ok.  I felt so bad when I left her at the vets office...she kept giving me a look that said "where are you going??  Why are you leaving me?  Im in pain, dont go?"

I felt so bad...still feel bad, I hope shes ok.

My roommate alerted me to the singer Lily Allen, really really enjoying her work.  She has a great  voice and she makes some great comments on politics, materialism, hollywoodism etc in her songs.
She is absolutely gorgeous, with great hair. I generally dont like that look on too many people, but she can really pull it off.

Just finished watching "What the Bleep Do We Know?"  Actually really really good.  Its all about the theory of quantum physics, and physics and relations to religion and our personal subconcious choices, as well as how every individual in the world is connected through energy.  It really related to my search for enlightment through buddhism, and how ultimately I cannot become enlightened until I truly understand myself.  When I understand myself, then I can truly understand others, and through this understanding I can become connected to the others around me.

We have separated ourselves through religions, christian, muslim, buddhist, etc, and because we have separated ourselves we have become focused on the individual, and in doing so we have begun to close off the receptors of our mind that recieve the energy of other people around us.

Anyway, I dont want to type forever because I am tired.  I know this thought process isnt for everyone, but its something I truly believe in.  And this movie helped reiterate the reason's for my movement to buddhism and the beginning of my enlightenment.  I stalled for a while on my path, and fell back in my old routine's and ruts and started to move back towards depression.  Im really glad I watched the movie, because it has helped me refocus, and will push me to continue enlightening myself, and changing the paths I chose before to more positive ones.

Bedtime, so I can get up early :)  Do my morning writings :)

Had an amazing weekend with the boyfriend, I didnt play rugby cuz my shoulder is messed again.  Ever since we made a commitment to live with each other this year things have really changed for the better, we are just more relaxed with each other and less serious.  We joke around more, I think after 6 years it really was time for our relationship to change and I really cant wait to have him in my life day after day. 

On another note, had the migraine from hell today, still trying to figure out my triggers.  I got that aura in front of my eye, which usually means that I have an hour before the migraine hits, not so today.  Within 10min of the aura subsiding the migraine hit, and I couldnt even drive my
car home, so my brother had to come pick me up.  slept for 4 hours, still have a tiny headache.

My dad has been on my mind like crazy lately, i just really really miss him right now.  I keep thinking about him lately, I have no idea why.  I miss his smile, how he used to goof off with us, his laugh, his hugs...I just miss it all right now.

i wish he could have gotten to know Marc better, he would have loved him.  He would have been proud of my job, my education, my university, even my rugby.

The hurt never really goes away, the hole is always there. 

So, I put a message on the message board asking the mods how to delete my soulcyster account before I left for rugby practice.  I come back to check to see if they responded, only to find the post deleted...which I thought was a little weird.  So I try to log on, to see if that makes a difference, only to get a message saying no such user existed.

So, they deleted my account...and never sent me an email or anything.  I know the board is there to help people, which is great....but to just get deleted without any notification or anyone asking why...is a lot odd.  Anyway, it doesnt bother me, I just thought it was weird...sort of a poorly moderated board.

Feeling a bit better about everything to be honest.  I dont want to focus on the negatives of PCOS, and I find thats what too many boards are all about.  When I focus on the negatives it makes depression worse, I need to keep moving forward, along the path I started a year and a half ago.  Im good at my job, I love my profession, Im going to kick ass at my undergraduate thesis.  Im going to save money and go on my trip from Japan to Scotland, and Im going to love every second of it.  Im going to move in with my boyfriend in September, and its going to be tough, but it will bring us closer together.  He has been my support system from the day we started dating, he has been the love of my life since that first year and I cant wait to be with him.

I have to confess that sometimes I feel slightly discriminated against when it comes to other women with PCOS.  Im not super skinny, Im not obese...Im within the normal range.  And ever since I joined soulcysters, I sometimes find the other women on the site a little rude towards me, especially when I mention my size.  (Im not rubbing it in, but when discussing bra sizes and whatnot, finding a 32D bra is really hard to do, so I mention it).

I hate the conception of women with PCOS that you cant lose weight and be healthy..and yes it is hard, harder than it is for most people, but in most cases it is possible.  I work hard at my body, I lift weights 3-4 times a week, I do cardio 2-4 times a week, I eat a low GI diet with very few cheats.  I watch my macro breakdown, I enter all my food into a food journal.  I rarely drink anymore.  I cut a lot of things out of my life to go from 32% bf to 25% bf, it didnt come easy..it still isnt easy.  But i do it for me, and for my well-being and health.

When I joined soulcysters, I thought I had found a forum of women who would understand and would offer support and guidance...and I just dont see it.  And its likely because my goals are different...Im not trying to lose or gain weight, Im not ttc.  Im trying to get more muscular, become a better rugby player, continue to be involved in sports, get through my undergrad, then my graduate. 

I also have a hard time with how mis-informed women with PCOS are..and I know its because of doctors, and the fact that most doctors themselves are really misinformed about PCOS..hell mine was.  And I know Im a research freak, and that most people aren't...and I know people being misinformed is one of my pet peeves, and that I am not good at dealing with it....and that I need to get better at dealing with it...And I am trying, but Im not great yet...

I think I just find better, more complete information on what I need from bodybuilding.com, I also think that the women on there are more like minded to myself.  Probably am leaving soulcysters...still going to stick with pcos on livejournal though, less people, less chances of me slipping up and saying something that gets someone mad at me.

And yes...I am socially awkward...Im trying to deal with it.

Quick backstory:  I grew up in a town of 350 people, I left said town due to being harassed on a constant nearly everyday basis from Kindergarten through grade 9.  If you werent born in that town and related to half the town you were a nobody.  So whatever, after a lot of crap and fights I left, moved to a city and moved on with my life. 

So 7 years later, one of the girls invites me via facebook to her stagette....I have put the past behind me and have tried to remain cordial with these girls, and as such I have talked to most of them via facebook.  But I mean really...your stagette???

I was tempted to go for 5min (most of the other girls are not married, dental hygenists and had kids at 19..and I kind of wanted to wallow in the fact that I have no kids, I am getting a great education, I love my job, I have a fantastic boyfriend who is moving across the country for me, so on and so forth) But, thankfully I have an out of town rugby game that weekend, so its no dice anyway. 

Its weird, my stagette would likely be my closest friends...not girls I went to elementary school with and didnt really like. Was this just an opportunity to rub it in that she is getting married?  Was it a real reach out for friendship (maybe we should do coffee first)? Or was it just an opportunity to see what my life is like (you can look on fb for that crap)?

Made the long long drive home, it went well...17 hours each day, my boy did most of the driving (I really suck at driving for long periods of time..I think I maxed out at 4 or 5 hours in one stretch.)

One day off to unpack, then back to work.  The day I got back I had rugby practice, my knees are bugging me..they dont do well sitting in a car for three days, then running and tackling for 2 hours the next day :(  Hopefully they get better soon, I have another practice tonight, tomorrow, then my first game on Saturday.  In the next couple of weeks I start football too, and it looks like the game schedules dont interfere with eachother :)  YAY!!

I accidentally got up at 6am this morning (my alarm clock was an hour ahead) and I didnt realize it until it was 7:15.  I think Im going to keep getting up that early though, Im not tired at all (I expected to be).  And it gave me enough time, to make oatmeal for myself, my mom and my brother (though I need to make more oatmeal next time).  It also gave me enough time to make my lunches and snacks (lunch is turning into supper, lol).  

As far as the PCOS goes, I have been watching my diet like crazy, doing pretty good so far.  Cutting back on the bad carbs, but I have to keep my calorie intake up...didnt do so well on that today...Im a good 500 calories below what I should be taking in :( and I shouldnt eat a big supper.  But I have a large snack before rugby tonight, then supper after, so I can make it up.  Went to the most amazing burger place with the office (we are talking specialty burgers, homemade buns, amazing fries, and a crazy new ketchup everyday...beet ketchup and the like...sooooo good)  and instead of a burger and fries, I had a spinach salad, which was good, but not really setup to be a meal.  (it was 4 cups of spinach, 7 roasted walnuts, and half a cup of apples...)  Oh well.  

I had to take my nostril piercing out at practice yesterday, and I lost the ball...not a surprise, so I went and bought another one yesterday.  Sadly the one I bought didnt fit quite right, and although a bit loose it seemed to stay alright.  I woke up this morning to find the ball of the ring gone (I tuck the ball into my nostril so you cant see it).  Not sure if it is my bed somewhere, or if I accidentally knocked it loose, then inhaled it...so I could have a tiny metal ball in my lungs somewhere...weird.  I likely wont find it, even if it is in my bed..so I have to buy another one.  I dont want to go back to the same piercing studio...the piercist would think Im a complete moron...lol.  I probably wont buy another one till tomorrow anyway, I have to take the piercing out at practice again tonight, and would likely lose the ball again.

45min left at the office, then I have to run home and grab my sports bra (I was a genious and forgot it) So now I have to drive back to the north end of the city, than all the way back to the southend...my work is right in the middle....damn!

Also, I have to get some photos of my hair posted up soon!  Its grown out a lot, and lately Ive been doing very 70s curls (sort of think Kitty from That 70s Show).  I have some killer pics from the grad party too, which I will throw up here when I get a chance.  I was sewing a dress for that grad party (it was from a 70s dress that had a killer print on it)...my sewing machine and I got into a fight, and  the bobbin keeps popping out of place now.  So I didnt get the dress finished in time :(  But I did find a really cute dress for $40 at Costa Blanca.  I added a yellow belt and a chunky bracelet and it looked great :)

Hopefully I can get my sewing machine fixed quickly, and finish that dress, as well as the shirt I need to fix for my brother.  

Its been a ridiculously long time since I have been on LJ....busy with school and packing and all that jazz.   So, I ended up dropping thesis, not sure if I covered that or not.  But my boyfriend is actually making the 2800km trek across the country and coming to live with me next year while I do thesis again.  :D  YAY! 

On another note, I finally found out why I am so tired all of the time, I was diagnosed with PCOS and a hypoactive thyroid (both are pretty much related to eachother) :(  PCOS, is polycystic ovarian syndrome, which raises a lot of issues.  My body is naturally insulin resistant, so I have a much higher risk of obesity and diabetes.  THankfully, because I have been so active my whole life, I didnt really have an issue until I turned 20..when, thanks to PCOS I put on 25lbs (basically a symptom of the disease is weight gain for no reason....effing ridiculous).  Now, because I am ultra active again I have lost weight, although I still have some excess weight around my stomach and thighs that I would love to get rid of.  (This summer will help when I am doing football and rugby again.).  So, I have to change my diet...not too too much since I already ate pretty healthy....but I do have to limit my sugar, and refined carb intake, and eat mostly vegetables...not too far of a stretch for me at all.  But, I do have to limit my alcohol intake :(  which is going to be tough, I love a cold beer in the backyard on the weekends.  Its interesting though, because from now on I basically have to have the diet of a diabetic.

Also, hypothyroidism, basically means my thyroid is underactive, which is why it takes me double the work and effort to lose weight as a normal person, and it also is the reason I have been soooo tired all  year long.  But as long as I know what it is that I have, I can work towards a normal life.  

Anyway, I am in Montreal visiting friends, and am doing the long drive back home in a couple of days.  Off to go do some site-seeing.  :)

We had a jam night at the architecture building last night, so my roommate and I got snazzied up and went.  I redied my hair blue, then curled and put in my red hair extensions and a couple of blue hair extensions as well.  I pinned them up into a sort of vintage curled bob, it was a lot of fun.

Even the boyfriend (who doesnt generally like my hair extensions) told me I was beautiful....as well as two random guys who were walking down the street.

This is my journal, so Im not going to cut the pics....thats right...Im rebelling against my own system!  Power to the People!

My mind is racing about thesis, Im debating whether or not I should drop and do it next year.  But, I dont think I can handle another year at this university...I wouldnt make it.  And if I take a year off and work, there is no way Im coming back to Ryerson, I would sooner get my credits transfered to another university than come back here.   I love Architecture, but I can't even count the ways that Ryerson wasnt worth it.

This program is not worth what has happened these last four years.

Its not worth the anxiety attacks, it wasnt worth not being able to write my exams or design my buildings because I couldnt eat or sleep for days and weeks on end.  It wasnt worth being unhealthy, all to try and meet deadlines.

It wasnt worth the crappy living conditions and the crappy roommates, it wasnt worth the bedbugs, the mold, the mice.  Ryerson wasnt worth fighting with roommates and losing friends.

It wasnt worth not seeing my grandfather before he passed away, it wasnt worth almost losing the love of my life.  It wasnt worth postponing my relationships.

It wasnt worth this and so much more.

Wooo, got fired today..awesome.  I've never actually been fired before, and Ive had jobs since I was 12.  Kind of ticked off, they didnt even give me a reason.  Whatever, I will have a new job by Saturday, and it will be a job that I actually enjoy.

Although, do they really think Im going to show up for my Friday shift??  I have class from 8-11 and then have to work from 11:30-2:30....not likely

So my roommate and I went shopping today, she wanted a corset, so we went to a number of different store looking for corsets.  Theres a store near my place that sells fetish gear (something Im kind of into).  So I started trying things on...the guy who owns the store was really into it, and eventually had me in a PVC dress, with ankle and wrist cuffs, and a choker with a leash attached to it, and stripper shoes.  SOOOOO HOT!!!  Now, if only I had the $300+ dollars to afford it all.  So, hes trying to get my roommate to try things on, and he actually got kind of forceful with her.  He told her he was "being nice to her, cuz shes new to the scene." so on and so forth...  And she got creeped out pretty quickly, and i totally understand.  So I left with a decently priced corset style shirt from Lip Service and one ankle cuff. 

After we left the store we both talked about how we got bad vibes from him.  And I started to think about exactly how he was wording things and whatnot, I've come to the conclusion that not only is a dominant (BDSM), but hes likely a master.  Which in the bondage world basically means that he controls...but a master controls differently....  They control everything about a woman (or their slave, could be a male slave too).  There is no equality in the world of a master.  So Im still feeling a bit weird about the whole situation.  I mean, I like bondage, I like being tied up..but I like equality in my relationships.  I love the fact that my boyfriend can dominate me in the bedroom, but still be affectionate and treat me like Im worth something to him in real life.   Im not going back to the store though, I just dont feel comfortable with it.

So yah, going to be buying a lot of my clothes on ebay or online now.....

Still a little sore and red...that should hopefully go away in the next couple of days.